Coping with Loss: Understanding the 7 stages of Grief

Yesterday was National Day of Reflection and I posted about my dad. Those posts are some of my most popular content to date so I thought I’d write a little something on grief. Afterall it affects us all at one stage or another; it might be when we lose a pet, get made redundant or, like me, lose a parent. Grief and loss don’t only come from death, we can go through the same pattern of emotions when anything important to us comes to an end, like a marriage or a job.

In 1969 Elizabeth Kübler-Ross published a book, On Death and Dying. She spent years researching the effects of loss on the human mind and emotions, initially identifying 5 stages and later updating it to 7. We all go through the 7 stages but some might whizz through a stage without even realising it whereas others linger and might feel stuck in a stage for a long time. We need to grieve on our own terms but we also need to recognise when our emotions are no longer helping us and need a little helping hand to move gently out of that stage. Although we all experience most of these stages, they may get jumbled sometimes and particularly on anniversaries of loss we may experience a stage again. When my dad died I dove headfirst into pain and there was never a moment of denial, the shock came a little later and I bounced between shock, anger and pain for quite a long time.

What are the stages?

Well for the purposes of simplicity here we’re going to look at the 5 main stages; Shock and denial, Pain and Guilt, Anger and Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance and loss.

1.       Shock and Denial

Grief and the sense of loss can be overwhelming. To help us cope with this our brains sometimes pretend it’s not happening. By denying the situation we can give ourselves a little more time to come to terms with the loss and begin to process it. Denial can also be in the form of ‘strength’, we can say that we’re fine with something to try and forget it’s happening or ‘move on’.

These stages aren’t just in our mental feelings than can affect physical too. In this stage people report loss of appetite, difficulty sleeping and nausea.

Examples:

Breakup/Divorce: “They’ll come back, it’s just temporary”

Job loss: “It’s restructuring, when they realise what I do they’ll ask me back”

Death: “They’re not gone, they’ll call tomorrow”

2.       Pain and Guilt

When reality starts to set in, and we believe that the loss is real we enter the pain and/or guilt phase. During this phase we ask ourselves a lot of “what if” questions. What if I’d spoken up more in meetings”, “what if I’d called them last night”, “what if I’d not said XYZ”.

As the title suggests, this is an incredibly painful stage. For me it involved a lot of crying and chest pain, an almost overwhelming sense of raw emotion.

3.       Anger and Bargaining

Pain, sadness and frustration can be followed (or preceded) by anger. This might be anger at another person or yourself, you might even direct it at inanimate objects. Anger can feel red hot and shouty but it can also be bitterness, resentment and mistrust.

Examples:

Death: “If they’d just done X, this would have happened”

Break Up/Divorce: “He’ll regret leaving me!”

Job Loss: “I hope they don’t win that contract, that’ll show them”

However, there is another potential that happens here, bargaining. Rather than focussing on the bad, people can turn to what they would do to change the situation if it were in their hands. “I would do X to get them back”.

4.       Depression

This is where sadness, loneliness and a sense of emptiness set in. You may reflect on what you’ve lost and what might have been. This isn’t the immediate sadness that comes from loss but a later stage. It may result in poor concentration, lack of sleep and feeling unwell. You might find yourself withdrawing from people all together and spending more time alone. It’s important to recognise this and ensure you keep a support system close to you.

Examples:

Death: “I don’t know how I’ll go on without him”

Job Loss: “It’s who I am, it was everything”

Divorce: “I’m so alone, I don’t have anyone”

5.       The Upward Turn

The fifth stage of grief is the upward turn. This is where you may start to see a glimmer of hope and begin to feel like you can move forward. You may start to feel more positive and see the possibility of a brighter future.

6.       Reconstruction and Working Through

This is where you may start to rebuild your life and work through your grief. You may find new meaning and purpose in your life and start to feel like you can move forward in a positive way.

7.       Acceptance and Hope

The final stage of grief is acceptance and hope. This is where you come to terms with your loss and start to look towards the future with hope and optimism. You may still feel sadness and miss what was lost, but you start to accept that it's a part of life and look for ways to move forward.

Coping with loss and grief is a process that takes time and patience. The 7 stages of grief provide a framework for understanding the range of emotions that come with loss. Remember to be kind to yourself and seek support from loved ones or a professional if you need it. With time, you will be able to move forward and find hope and joy in life once again.